Amanda

I had to lose my Faith. Lose my Faith in God, myself and my fellow humans to realize the message. We are not alone. We are all one and must journey together. Journey together to uplift, inspire and support one another. At the time of my surreal cervical cancer diagnosis I was going through a separation that added an even bigger emotional burden to my nightmare landscape. I felt so scared, alone and embarrassed every time I had to strip down for the cold, emotionless medical examinations and like I was always being judged. I will never forget the 7 ugly, purple-red diseased areas blown up on screen for the doctor’s scrutiny. I had a handful of biopsies completed before my initial LEEP surgery that was performed incorrectly. I spent a month in and out of an OBGYN emergency room hemorrhaging and always being “plastered“ back together with no doctor being able to pinpoint what was wrong plus a room full of doctors jockeying for first row to my medical freak show. I was always the case study for the student doctors. I almost bled to death before the doctors finally found the problem but by then I had to have an emergency, life saving hysterectomy. I had no money, no insurance and no idea how I was going to pay all the medical bills. This all on top of having out of control Type II Diabetes that tired my body and sucked the life out of me. For a girl who always had stars in her eyes about the promises life held, it felt like the stars had fallen out of the heavens and lay broken and shattered a million times over. It has been 4 years since that passage of time in my life. I have not thought about it, opened it up in my mind to explore, understand or feel through. I have kept it locked away tight in the recesses of my mind with only jiggles at the edges of my thoughts every now and again. The past has always been too painful to think about. The memories blocked out. All the long hours, days and weeks enduring physical, mental and emotional challenges wondering “why must I endure this pain? Why must I suffer like this?” But now is the time to open up my box of heartaches. I must open that box with trembling fingers and lay out the palm of my hands with everything exposed. To help not only myself but the thousands of others out there can be saved from the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual breakdown.