Roxie

My name is Roxie. In 2008, my life took a turn in which I was not prepared for. When I turned 13 my cycle stopped; exactly 1 year after it started. The doctor told me my body wasn’t producing hormones, so I started taking hormone pills since the age of 13. I have been getting my annual pap smears since I was 16. In 2000 my test came back abnormal.

The doctor told me that I was producing cancerous cells and that I should have treatment to freeze my cervix. I sought other advice, but I received the same suggestion from another doctor. So I had the procedure. For about two years my pap smears were normal. Then in 2002 when the results came back from my annual test it was abnormal. This time my doctor suggested I have a piece of my cervix cut, since freezing them did not cure it. Again I went to get a second opinion from another doctor. And again the doctor made the same suggestion, so I had the procedure. By this time I thought to myself I would never have any kids but kept hoping for a miracle will come my way. Two years passed with me having checkups every six months and all of them coming back normal. In 2003 after I graduated from college, I changed my military status from the Army Reserves to Active Duty. I was having normal pap smears until December of 2003. While stationed in North Carolina my doctors advised me see an Oncologist. The oncologist suggested that I have a piece of my cervix cut again. So I had the procedure again and my tests were coming back normal. Since things took a better turn, I started seeing a reproduction doctor and my hopes were on a rise. I got out of the military in December of 2006. I moved back to Summerville in April of 2007. June of 2007 I had another annual checkup and it was abnormal but before I could schedule any treatments, I moved to Columbia, SC. In December of 2007 the doctors there reviewed my records and referred me to see another Oncologist. My appointment wasn’t scheduled to see the Oncologist until March 7, 2008. But prior to seeing the Oncologist, he scheduled numerous tests and lab work before our first initial visit. When the 7th came, I finally sat with the doctor. My heart sank when he said. “I need to schedule a hysterectomy.” At that moment, everything else that came out of his mouth went into one ear and out the other because I never wanted to hear what he was going to say next. After the moment of shock I asked if I could keep my ovaries because I wanted to have a child. He disagreed since my body stopped having cycles and stated that could have been the cause that lead up to my problems. I sat in the doctor office crying because I could not believe that all my hopes and dreams of having kids were on the verge of being nonexistent. When I obtained my composure I called my sister and mother. They both told me to have the procedure since this has been a reoccurring problem. My father also told me to have the surgery because he didn’t want this to continue to be a burden on me and this could save my life before it can spread. I agreed and scheduled the hysterectomy. March 18, 2008 officially marked the day all my hopes of having a kid would never be. The only thing now that keeps me afloat is me being fully capable of adopting.

March 18, 2008

I couldn’t sleep
Because I knew tomorrow’s date
I was up not with excitement
But only regretting the day
I wanted the clock to stop
I wanted to skip the day
Because if the day didn’t come
Then you wouldn’t get taken away
I stare at the clock
Only to see
Nor has it just passed midnight
But it’s a Quarter till 3
I have 3 hours to get prepared
3 hours to get there
I wanted to go and hide
I wanted to run away
Because as long as I am gone
They cannot take you away
The time has come
The time is here
I sit on the hospital bed
Looking at my mother
She seem so sad
As she looks my way
I listen to the nurses and the Dr’s
As they say what they have to say
Then they said its time
As they gave me some medicine to take
They told me to relax
And it will all be okay
I held my mother’s hand
While some tears roll down my face
I looked at the clock
I knew the hand was pointing at some numbers
But the numbers started fading away
I wanted to remember the time
The time they took you away
But I said to myself
Just as long as I know the day
Forever you will stay
I went to take a nap
Then I woke up in pain
My vision was a little hazy
Then I heard my mother say my name
I turn to look at her
And I whisper and said
I will always remember this day
Because this is the day
They took my chance
Of having babies away.